You know, ever since our little family has started traveling and moving in a direction we desire in life, I’ve developed some anxiety. It seems to have started a couple of weeks ago before we went up to Glacier National Park. I started worrying about how James was going to do on such a long car ride and if he would dread it or feel like we abandoned him in the back seat.
Now from what I know about anxiety, it seems to come stronger during periods of change or added responsibility and seems completely irrational in the mind of the captive. So I thought to myself, it will pass, I’m being lame for excessively worrying about that. So we went and James did perfect. I felt much relief.
The same weekend Tim and I went caving at Mt. Timpanogas caves down in Utah. I was pretty nervous because I am slightly claustrophobic, but the anxiety came back about being in a closed space with no light if ours failed, and leaving James with his grandparents for such a long time. I even feared the cave guide would lead us in there and stab all of us. I almost cancelled our reservation it was making me feel ill. But I decided to suck it up and enjoy some time away with my husband.
But today James and I are on a shuttle to the airport to fly out to Kentucky so my Grandma can meet baby James. Oh man. The anxiety almost caused me to stay home. Last night I had the fan in the window, like I do every night, and it was sprinkling. I had this overwhelming fear that the rain would get into the motor and catch on fire and cause James’s cradle to catch on fire too. Then Tim was telling me how there is a crazy high fire warning for Eastern Idaho for today and I started to fear that our house was going to catch fire and Tim and Manti would burn. And this whole morning I could not go back to sleep because I was afraid the alarm wasn’t going to go off or I was going to miss my shuttle. And now here I am, on the shuttle, still worried I won’t make it in time for my flight, or that the security people are going to take James away from me to search him or something crazy like that.
Travel anxiety seems to be something I’m becoming more familiar with. And it is a very strange feeling because I always considered myself one who was not bothered or afraid of much. But I do feel the best way to overcome this anxiety is to share it. To expose it for all it’s nonsense. To shed light in these darker places of my mind. I know anxiety controls a lot of people’s lives and the decisions they make but I will be standing strong in this battle to overcome. Because this is my life. My family. My journey and I want to be in charge of how I respond to things. Not the anxiety.