Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today Tim and I were on our way to St. George for our honeymoon. We checked into our ghetto hotel and decided to attend the St. George Temple. When we were finished and settled into the car, I checked my phone and had what seemed like hundreds of missed calls, voice mails, texts. My initial though was my sweet Nana had passed away. I never would have expected my baby brother Mason’s life had been ended.

I heard my Dads voice mail first.

The only time I remember my Dad crying was when he lost a custody battle of my siblings and I when we were younger. I learned of Masons suicide which would be the second and worst time.

I was thousands of miles away, just married, and could not afford to take a trip back there to be with my family. Honestly, I didn’t even want to be there.

I felt absolutely helpless. I wondered what I could have done to have swayed his choice. That I should have kept my promise to take him to get chicken wings when I was in North Carolina just a week before. And I thought of how much we made fun of him when we were children. How maybe if we did not tease him so much he would have never come to this point in his life. If only I had made him feel loved and important..

I have felt the only escape from despair and darkness is the release of suicide. I have contemplated laying my head on the railroad tracks and just waiting. I have contemplated running my car off the road while speeding. I have contemplated suicide many, many times, and I get it.

But as I sit and ponder on the tragedy I am hardly moved. At first I was feeling cold for not being extremely emotional this day, but in all reality this life sucks. And it sucks really bad for some people. I do not blame him for taking his own life. Mental illness is extremely real and it takes recognition, time, diligence, and desire to overcome. Sometimes it takes years before finding the right combination of medicine, or even longer to realize you have an issue in the first place.

So to you Mason.

Your shell, your body is gone but your spirit remains. I know we will all see you again.

I love you

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